


It's not over

by midnightsvoid



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 12x23, Hurt Dean, M/M, Oh God I'm still crying, season 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-11-02 21:13:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10952829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightsvoid/pseuds/midnightsvoid
Summary: What happens after 12x23?





	It's not over

He didn't let himself think about Cas the first three days after his funeral. He hoped that if he just got himself to forget about it, he'll wake up and find a text from Cas about how goats were facinating creatures of God. 

He thought about his mom instead. How they were finally back together as a family. The brief moments they shared together before it was all ripped away from him. He didn't cry or weep, he just sat in his room and stared at his mother's picture.

Sam came into his room and made him sit in the war room for a change of space. He took away Mary's photos but that didn't help. It did keep Dean from thinking about Mary but then he just thought about Cas. And the pain, all that pain that came with it.

It wasn't like the time when Lucifer possessed Sam and mutilated Castiel's body right before his eyes and it wasn't like the time when the Leviathans did. It felt like the time when Cas had let go of his hand in Purgatory and he had come back empty handed. When he thought that he had lost Cas forever. He had come back then, even if it was because those winged-douchebag Angels had done it for themselves. But he had come back.

But then April had pierced the Angel blade inside Cas; when he was weak and frail human. When Dean thought he had lost him forever. Even then Dean had a bit of hope, because Ezekiel was there. He healed him, he saved Cas.

But this time it wasn't the same. At first if was numbness that consumed him. When even Sam couldn't snap him out. Even the outburst of the Nephilim's energy couldn't snap him out, because he was just _numb_. The Nephilim could wait, the world could wait, just long enough so that Dean could try to overcome this feeling, this feeling of loss and _emptiness_.

Dean just sat in the war room, refusing to move, refusing to eat. If it was up to him, he wouldn't even go to the bathroom. He just sat in his chair, quiet and just staring ahead. No words were spoken in the bunker, apart from Sam trying to comfort Dean.

The next few days Dean just drank, he finished bottle after bottle after bottle, and when Sam tried to take the bottle from his hand, he let go of it before grabbing another one. Sam thought of hiding them all or destroying them but he knew that Dean would just go ahead and buy some more.

Early morning the next day Sam was helping Dean throw up in the bathroom. The stench of alcohol and sweat made him gag, but he held onto his brother. They didn't speak to each other that day either.

It wasn't that Sam couldn't feel the loss. It was the fact that he didn't have the time to even process what had happened. He knew that there was only time for one Winchester to break down, and with their short-lived quartet reduced back to just a duo they already had a lot on their plate. So Sam tried to hold his emotions inside.

That night Sam heard his brother's voice for the first in five days. Sam would've been glad but the only sound Dean let out was the constant slow chants of 'Cas'. It had his heart churn. He walked inside the room sitting next to Dean and placing a hand on his brothers' back, who had his head in his hands.

"Dean-"

"-gone, he's gone" his brother whispered, voice hoarse.

Sam swallowed "Dean I know but"

"Don't you get it!" Dean sat up staring at Sam, his eyes bloodshot and sheen of sweat on his forehead.

"He's gone and he's not coming back"

"Dean this isn't how we're going to deal with this. We can't- you can't just-. We have find a solution"

"There is not solution! I've lost him, and he's gone" Sam took a deep breath and heavy blanket of silence covered them.

They sat there quiet for an hour, maybe two, before Sam heard Dean mumble.

"What?"

"I never told him that I loved him"

~

fin

**Author's Note:**

> This is just me trying to pull all of my feeling together because I am not coping well after Castiel's death.


End file.
